Bereaved will light candles to remember loved ones.

Compassionate Friends, a support group for families who have lost a child, will join with similar groups all over the world on Sunday for its annual Holiday Candlelighting Ceremony at Central United Methodist Church in Traverse City.
After Erin died, I
struggled for a long time. It
(the support group
Compassionate Friends)
has helped me a lot.
—Tim Tompkins

Bereaved parents, grandparents and siblings at 7 p.m. Sunday will light candles in remembrance of a deceased loved one, “so that their light may always shine.”

Two county residents and former Cedar resident Monica Schmit regularly attend the Compassionate Friends support group, which meets the second and fourth Mondays of the month at Munson Healthcare’s Community Health Center in Traverse City.

Lake Leelanau resident Tim Tompkins and Marilyn Warburton of Glen Arbor serve as facilitators for the group. Tompkins’ 17-year-old daughter, Erin, died in a car accident in May 1993. Warburton’s son committed suicide in 1997. He was 21.

Both Tompkins and Warburton attended a support group organized through Munson Hospice, which evolved into the local chapter of the non-profit that started in England in 1969.

“After Erin died, I struggled for a long time,” Tompkins said of his second of three daughters with wife, Patti. “It has helped me a lot.”

Bereaved family members meet to talk about their losses and take comfort knowing those listening identify with similar experiences.

“People find it hard to talk about (the child) who has died. It’s not comfortable. They don’t know what to say,” Tompkins said. “The support group allows us to keep our child’s memory alive by being able to talk about it.”

Warburton writes the group’s newsletter, which is distributed every other month. She joined Compassionate Friends in 2002.

“It was helpful to learn how others had gone through it and seemed to be living ‘normal’ lives,” she said. “There’s security, a group of friends with a connection to each other.”

The holiday season evokes memories of years past and brings to the surface emotions that the bereaved can’t contain, the group members said.

“The holidays used to be a time of joy,” Warburton said. “It’s made me set priorities. Our family is growing, we have grandchildren now and they’ve become the focus … you’re aware of how far away you are from what you used to have.

“The candlelighting ceremony helps keep your child’s memory alive,” she said.

The moving ceremony includes readings, perhaps poetry and general discussion about holiday grief. Tompkins has devised his own coping mechanisms.

“Some think the feelings of loss will go away. My best advice (during the holidays) is to leave yourself an out,” he said. “Don’t make any commitments because you never know when (grief) will creep up on you.”

Munson Healthcare grief counselor Leslie Redmond has suggestions for coping with grief over the holidays. For the bereaved, she recommends being aware of grief masked as other emotions such as anger or depression.

“There’s often increased stress in relationships,” Redmond said.

For those dealing with the bereaved, she also has some advice.

“Don’t avoid reference to the lost ones,” she said. “It’s OK to talk about it. And the grieving should be proactive in that … asking people about their favorite memories.”