2016-12-15 / Columns

Twas the night for a columnist’s poem

By BILL THOMPSON
Phone 334-4486

The Empire Lions Club held their annual Christmas party on Saturday and as usual the dinner was outstanding, catered by Riverfront pizza and deli. I’m very sure that everyone in attendance was impressed by the service given and the food offered.

We were reminded that the toys for tots collecting has gone fairly well but more is needed. Tiss the season to step up. Bring your toys to the State Bank in Empire by the end of this week and make some kids happy at Christmas.

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As they say in the South, y’all wanted a white Christmas, y’all got one.

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The Empire Area Community Center will holding its annual holiday potluck dinner Saturday at the Empire Town Hall (see coverage, page 12 of this Section.)

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On Sunday at 4 p.m. the Annual Holiday Auction and Concert will be held at the Empire Town Hall. Auction items have been donated by area businesses, restaurants and individuals. The Leelanau Enterprise contributed an M22 sign for the auction. Auctioneer extraordinaire Dave Taghon, Empire Museum director, will be doing his best to get every penny available. The entertainment will be provided by the ever popular GOOD BOY, which is said to be “horn-infused folk grass with word gravy.”

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A reminder that this is the last week for the holiday book drive. Bring books to donate for kids to the library in Empire.

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I usually share a Christmas poem and this is a special one written by that famous writer I.M. Anonymous:

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Twas the night before Christmas and Santa’s a wreck... How to live in a world that’s politically correct?

His workers no longer would answer to “Elves”, “Vertically Challenged” they were calling themselves.

And labor conditions at the North Pole, were alleged by the union, to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished without much propriety, released to the wilds, by the Humane Society.

And equal employment had made it quite clear, that Santa had better not use just reindeer.

So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid, were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his beautiful sleigh, because the ruts were deemed dangerous by the EPA,

And millions of people were calling the Cops, when they heard sled noises upon their roof tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe, had his workers quite frightened, and his fur trimmed red suit was called “unenlightened.”

To show you the strangeness of today’s ebbs and flows, Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose.

He went to Geraldo, in front of the Nation, demanding millions in over-due workers compensation.

So...half of the reindeer were gone, and his wife who suddenly said she’d had enough of this life, joined a self help group, packed and left in a whiz, demanding from now on that her title was Ms.

And as for gifts...why, he’d never had the notion that making a choice could cause such commotion.

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur... Which meant nothing for him or nothing for her.

Nothing to aim, Nothing to shoot, Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.

Nothing for just girls and nothing for just boys. Nothing that claimed to be gender specific,

Nothing that’s warlike or non-pacifistic. No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.

Nothing that seemed to embellish upon the truth. And fairy tales...while not yet forbidden, were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden, for they raised the hackles of those psychological, who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone might get hurt, besides - playing sports exposed kids to dirt.

Dolls were said to be sexist and should be passe. and Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled and perplexed, he just couldn’t figure out what to do next?

He tried to be merry he tried to be gay, but you must have to admit he was having a very bad day.

His sack was quite empty, it was flat on the ground, nothing fully acceptable was anywhere to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might, give to us all, without angering the left or the right.

A gift that would satisfy - with no indecision, each group of people in every religion.

Every race, every hue, everyone, everywhere...even you!

So here is that gift, it’s price beyond worth...

“May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on Earth.

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Happy anniversary wishes to Gwen and Bill Baxter and to Dawn and David Baldwin. Congratulations.

Birthday wishes to Joel Martin, Brian Koppenaal, Marilyn Wilcox and because I will not be there to wish these people a Happy Birthday in time, Tim Sutherland, Martha Raymond and Traci Apsey on the 24, who’s parents obviously knew how to celebrate Christmas.

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Still time to get out and shop locally, I know I will start next week.

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As always be careful, be kind and have fun. Go Hawks

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